Thursday, September 16, 2010

broken promises

Today, marks one of the hardest choices to make in my life. I think if I was Venus Raj, answering the "major major" question. (feeling ko Ms. Universe eh ano?) This one would be my answer. Although, I'd buckle up with the answer because I was never the smart "talker", I stutter when my emotions are involved. I swear, if I don't do something about this, I will go join the Toast Masters.

I can't really explain everything that happened. Some things will remain private. Some things will remain in my "journal" and the rest might as well be left unwritten. All I can say, that everything was odd.

So many things were left unsaid for my emotions got the better of me. But, I guess that doesn't matter now. All I know, it was good while it lasted and everything was just perfect even though the "end" was abrupt and horrible.

I kind of hated myself for making promises I couldn't keep. I wanted to keep it, but I'm too scared to take it. Yes, my dear angels, I'm not ready for love it seems. All along, I thought I was, but I was uninitiated. I lack the emotional skills to hold on to the magic when the storm came.

I can't tell myself that it wasn't real for me. For, I would just be lying to myself. But, it was also hard to tell, because there were lies involved at the beginning. The facts may have been all a lie, but there was a moment, that tiny spark, that glimmer, that love visited. And that I will cherish. It will be hard to forget the songs. It's filled with bittersweet memories and broken promises.

I felt the sadness, and I was gullible enough that the good intentions I have, backfired. I got scared with the domino effect. Fear got ahead of me. And so, I had to step out from the "fantasy" we made.

It was grim and excruciating. There's a certain hardness that developed in my soul. And I hope the tears will take them away. Tears for the humiliating failure I made.

I don't even know why I felt the need to post this. Maybe, I just want to commemorate this day, and also the past three days, for this will mark another chapter of my life.

To some this can be a lesson, and for awhile I thought it was just that. But, going deeper, this was a soulful experience, one that I have probably asked, and I couldn't say I came out victorious.

But, I asked for this. I live a sheltered life. I live with my books. I do meet people from all walks of life from the nature of business that I am in, and lately I have been disconnected from them. I felt I was stagnating. And in a sense, I created this experience, to keep me from stagnating.

Oh my, what a ride, this was.

Yesterday, while I was in my room walking around, beseeching my guides to help me, I saw a praying mantis on top of my bed. I was startled at first, because I haven't seen one for years.

and I knew there was some sort of a reason why it appeared at that moment. And so, I searched online for the meaning and here's what I got:

The mantis comes to us when we need peace, quiet and calm in our lives. Usually the mantis makes an appearance when we've flooded our lives with so much business, activity, or chaos that we can no longer hear the still small voice within us because of the external din we've created.
A quick-list of praying mantis symbolism:
  • Stillness
  • Awareness
  • Creativity
  • Patience
  • Mindful
  • Calm
  • Balance
  • Intuition
This is a message to us to contemplate and be sure our minds and souls all agree together about the choices we are making in our lives.

Overwhelmingly in most cultures the mantis is a symbol of stillness. As such, she is an ambassador from the animal kingdom giving testimony to the benefits of meditation, and calming our minds.

An appearance from the mantis is a message to be still, go within, meditate, get quite and reach a place of calm. It may also a sign for you to be more mindful of the choices you are making and confirm that these choices are congruent.

Source: Animal Symbolism

I can't say I am fine. I am still grieving.

This is a road I have to take on my own....

6 comments:

Raft3r said...

this too shall pass
=)

tina said...

thank you!!! :)

kg said...

oh...what complex emotions! keep on praying tina!

in the meantime, why don;t you "get out of the box" and explore more of the world, experience new things, and meet new people. sometimes, this helps because you get to realize that there is so much more to life. :)

will be praying for you. :)

pam said...

i dont know what to say really since the post is a bit confusing. parang ang daming emotions talaga. but the good thing, you were able to think things and realize stuff so i guess that's a good start. :)

you can handle that. godbless :)

tina said...

KG: thank you! *just need to let it all out..*

Pam: yeah... i cant disclose anything eh. so ayun medyo weird ang labas nung post. but its all emooottiiionnsssss...haha. :)

duking said...

you have to stand for what you do.if later on,it proves you to be wrong,take the lesson you learn from it but if you'll be right,it means bitter choices are afterall,sweet.

just never regret.