Friday, March 19, 2010

descending into hell


if you are having a good day... stay away from this.

tear stained cheeks and blood shot eyes. for no apparent reason at all. (it's been like this during random nights). her heart is breaking.... and she doesn't know why. she's confused.

confused. confused. confused.

confused, is what she is. she even wanted to beat her head or bang it against the wall for feeling like this. but, her other self... just allowed her. just allowed her to pour all those pain out in one brief moment. she couldn't believe the rush of emotion pushing through her.

she'd stop herself at the comfort room. at the shower or even when she's about to lie down.

the recent scene was the pink tiled comfort room. she checked her blackjack for the time. it took her 9 minutes. 3 minutes to cry and 6 minutes in between to calm herself and dry her eyes.

she sobbed. she can't bawl, cause she might attract attention.

it's like there's this dull ache in her chest. and while crying, she found herself asking: "Why? Why? Why do I feel like this?"

she's racking her brain and feeling her heart whether this was about the recent loss she had. and now she feels her brain was deliberately trying to confuse itself.

is this a chip on her shoulder? but, it's crazy because he is the last thing on her mind. and she's not even thinking about him anymore. she couldn't even imagine him in the future.

is it a mask? is she not over the situation yet? it's been a month of Sundays. she's not hearing his name. and the gods were all in her favor and besides she does not want to beat a dead horse.

or is it because she's losing her way? or she's trying to find it? what? what is her heart telling her?

or is she starting to feel a growing concern for someone? and all these familiar feelings are starting to surface.

or maybe she's just growing? like some spiritual detox where all the dark areas of herself gets sucked up to the surface in order to be released? a bit like colonics minus the literal shit. what is it?

it's like the time of her life where she's feeling... this journey is not fun. its too sad, too frightening, too heavy, too lonely, too hopeless.

when the gods gave the map for this journey, part of that journey is to go through the dark night of the soul.

is this her dark night of the soul, the winter of her discontent ? Should it be like what Mother Teresa in one of her famous quotes said: "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."?

that you just keep bleeding (and yes, remember that song). God, that sure sounds so EMO. *beats herself for talking like this. this is not her. everyone who knows her.. would be shocked* nothing short of romantic. its EMO and its unhealthy if she drones on and on about being EMO.

she's about fairy tales and happy endings. not crossroads and lonely highways. she's about the light and not the shadow. she's the angel and not the devil's advocate.

but then, maybe she's more of like Alanis' song..

"im a bitch, im a lover, im a child, im a mother, im a sinner, im a saint, i do not feel ashamed. im your hell, im your dream, im nothing in between."


folks, bear with me. my posts are dark and dreary. not light and heavenly.

im acknowledging my ego... and letting it go,
its like im being crucified or dead and buried
its like being lost in a labyrinth.
a little bit like descending into hell.
and doing battle with dragons...

that's poetry....

in modern times... they stripped it off poetry and called it


but... i'd just remember what the Christ said:

"this too shall pass"


when it's done...

i'd be happy to say:

"the past is over. it can touch me not."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Have you Ever?

have you ever had those moments when you want to lash out at someone you love but you know very well enough that its not gonna hurt the person because it is you writhing in pain?

and that the anger for that one person is like you drinking the poison expecting the other person to suffer but it ends up burning you?

have you ever wanted to say so many things to someone, because that someone never allowed you to say your own piece? Mentally, you say those would-have-been nice movie lines because you knew for sure that was how you felt and that you needed that person who caused it to hear that.

have you ever felt the frustration to hate someone you love but you know very well it is all a mind game because deep down inside you were happy and that at one moment in time... you were sure... you LOVED?

have you ever felt wanting to play the victim but deep down inside you knew for sure that you are a victim no more?

and because of that... you immerse yourself with all those Korean melodrama on TV and hide your pain....

have you ever wished that one day you would meet someone who is as handsome and charming as Yi Jeoung, with the surprising persistent sweetness with a rough edge of Jun Pyo, the courage of Woo Bin, and the loyal devotion and utmost care of Ji Hoo?

this is just my shadow saying its piece... i am beyond this... but i am letting shadow take over for just one moment. for just one moment.


just got back from a summit in Baguio. what a nice experience! ;)

oh and i got PM's prize!! wahoo. Thanks again!

Monday, March 01, 2010


First off, I just won a cute polymer clay trinket from Prinsesa Musang's blog. It was her anniversary and she was giving away prizes. :) My comeback was welcomed by this pleasant surprise - winning the trinket. Thanks PM! Is grateful. :)


so many things have been happening lately....
and im sure most people would find them not pleasant...

there were earthquakes in various places in the world, the most recent was Chile's 8.8..

and the baby tsunami waves.....

the recent power shortage here in the South.....

the extreme hot weather brought out by EL Nino...

and among others...

mhmmm....... well, lets just all generate loving energies to Nature and Universe.....