Friday, March 19, 2010

descending into hell


if you are having a good day... stay away from this.

tear stained cheeks and blood shot eyes. for no apparent reason at all. (it's been like this during random nights). her heart is breaking.... and she doesn't know why. she's confused.

confused. confused. confused.

confused, is what she is. she even wanted to beat her head or bang it against the wall for feeling like this. but, her other self... just allowed her. just allowed her to pour all those pain out in one brief moment. she couldn't believe the rush of emotion pushing through her.

she'd stop herself at the comfort room. at the shower or even when she's about to lie down.

the recent scene was the pink tiled comfort room. she checked her blackjack for the time. it took her 9 minutes. 3 minutes to cry and 6 minutes in between to calm herself and dry her eyes.

she sobbed. she can't bawl, cause she might attract attention.

it's like there's this dull ache in her chest. and while crying, she found herself asking: "Why? Why? Why do I feel like this?"

she's racking her brain and feeling her heart whether this was about the recent loss she had. and now she feels her brain was deliberately trying to confuse itself.

is this a chip on her shoulder? but, it's crazy because he is the last thing on her mind. and she's not even thinking about him anymore. she couldn't even imagine him in the future.

is it a mask? is she not over the situation yet? it's been a month of Sundays. she's not hearing his name. and the gods were all in her favor and besides she does not want to beat a dead horse.

or is it because she's losing her way? or she's trying to find it? what? what is her heart telling her?

or is she starting to feel a growing concern for someone? and all these familiar feelings are starting to surface.

or maybe she's just growing? like some spiritual detox where all the dark areas of herself gets sucked up to the surface in order to be released? a bit like colonics minus the literal shit. what is it?

it's like the time of her life where she's feeling... this journey is not fun. its too sad, too frightening, too heavy, too lonely, too hopeless.

when the gods gave the map for this journey, part of that journey is to go through the dark night of the soul.

is this her dark night of the soul, the winter of her discontent ? Should it be like what Mother Teresa in one of her famous quotes said: "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."?

that you just keep bleeding (and yes, remember that song). God, that sure sounds so EMO. *beats herself for talking like this. this is not her. everyone who knows her.. would be shocked* nothing short of romantic. its EMO and its unhealthy if she drones on and on about being EMO.

she's about fairy tales and happy endings. not crossroads and lonely highways. she's about the light and not the shadow. she's the angel and not the devil's advocate.

but then, maybe she's more of like Alanis' song..

"im a bitch, im a lover, im a child, im a mother, im a sinner, im a saint, i do not feel ashamed. im your hell, im your dream, im nothing in between."


folks, bear with me. my posts are dark and dreary. not light and heavenly.

im acknowledging my ego... and letting it go,
its like im being crucified or dead and buried
its like being lost in a labyrinth.
a little bit like descending into hell.
and doing battle with dragons...

that's poetry....

in modern times... they stripped it off poetry and called it


but... i'd just remember what the Christ said:

"this too shall pass"


when it's done...

i'd be happy to say:

"the past is over. it can touch me not."


Angelo said...

Hey Tina, you're right, you're growing up.... Life is never only about fairy tales, light, and angels... in fact an angel is quite a fierce creature that faces down and battles with demons. The Christ did teach us a few things. His example showed us that we must suffer in life, but that at the end... with a little faith... we will get our resurrection.

It's good that you allow yourself to feel these emotions. It's even better that you have a conduit by which you release them. I'm going to quote another cliche here, but it's one that I know for a fact is true: what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.

I guess the trick is figuring out why you are feeling this way. Take some quiet time, when your emotions have died down and try to examine yourself objectively. If it's over a guy let me just say that he's not worth it. But you should still allow yourself to feel it out because you're right, they will help you grow. And when you're done facing your hell you will be a superwoman.

All the best!

Ax said...

I dare say life is a fairy tale.

But, not all tales end happily ever after.

tina said...

Kuya Angelo: Thanks for the inspiration. :) We all learn from each other, noh? Im glad i have friends like you! :)

and.. yeah.. angels are fierce creatures.. it was an angel who drove Adam and Eve from Eden. It was an angel who took away the firstborns of Egypt. and archangels have swords.. and it stands for keen awareness.

i know i should be paying attention to what i am feeling right now. Thanks a much. I really appreciate you. :)

Ax: Hi Ax! yeah... i guess. they dont always get to be happy after's. coz nothing lasts forever in this world. meanwhile.. its the moment that counts. thanks for dropping by!! :)

Mari said...


Let it out! Bawl and rant and when you're done, you'll feel much better. We all go through this emotional upheaval once in a while.

Take care,


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your work is very good and i appreciate you. Life is never only about fairy tales, light, and angels. in fact an angel is quite a fierce creature that faces down and battles with demons.
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Anonymous said...

oh,life can be cruel at times and we're vulnerable to it's cruelty in most times but never ever lose that faith and hope that somewhere,somehow...kahit may mga gabing madidilim,may bahagi ng mundong naghihintay sa napakagandang umaga.

what doesn't kill you makes you strong so they say.

ingat lagi!

dodong flores said...

Hi, Tina. You find a lot of inspiration here in the comments of your visitors. I hope it eases the pain. Hayaan mo, malagpasan mo rin yan...

jojo said...

Hi Tin,

If you are feeling blue all you have to do is take a look at the brighter side of life. No dark night will last forever. Malampasan mo rin 'yan.

If you are feeling down in the dumps most of the day and unable to shake yourself free, get out of yourself, reach out. Consider yourself a burning house. Don't stay inside and let yourself to get burned. Get out!

Just pull your socks up and get on with things and the blues will eventually flee. Remember, even in the darkest night you will find some light — the stars. They are your friends and relatives who are always there for you. Enjoy life and open your heart.

Go visit my website and have a good laugh.

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this post is excellent.your work is very good and i appreciate you.Life is never only about fairy tales, light, and angels. in fact an angel is quite a fierce creature that faces down and battles with demons.
Anyway thanks for sharing.

Anonymous said...

hi tina. it seems as if we are going through a similar road. but as i continue to triumph over my great sorrow, so will you, i am certain. hugs.

Sidney said...

Wow... I hope you feel better now!

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on. ~Robert Frost

jojo said...

Hi Tin! How are you? Just dropping by. Continue blogging.

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