if you are having a good day... stay away from this.
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tear stained cheeks and blood shot eyes. for no apparent reason at all. (it's been like this during random nights). her heart is breaking.... and she doesn't know why. she's confused.confused. confused. confused.
confused, is what she is. she even wanted to beat her head or bang it against the wall for feeling like this. but, her other self... just allowed her. just allowed her to pour all those pain out in one brief moment. she couldn't believe the rush of emotion pushing through her.
she'd stop herself at the comfort room. at the shower or even when she's about to lie down.
the recent scene was the pink tiled comfort room. she checked her blackjack for the time. it took her 9 minutes. 3 minutes to cry and 6 minutes in between to calm herself and dry her eyes.
she sobbed. she can't bawl, cause she might attract attention.
it's like there's this dull ache in her chest. and while crying, she found herself asking: "Why? Why? Why do I feel like this?"
she's racking her brain and feeling her heart whether this was about the recent loss she had. and now she feels her brain was deliberately trying to confuse itself.
is this a chip on her shoulder? but, it's crazy because he is the last thing on her mind. and she's not even thinking about him anymore. she couldn't even imagine him in the future.
is it a mask? is she not over the situation yet? it's been a month of Sundays. she's not hearing his name. and the gods were all in her favor and besides she does not want to beat a dead horse.
or is it because she's losing her way? or she's trying to find it? what? what is her heart telling her?
or is she starting to feel a growing concern for someone? and all these familiar feelings are starting to surface.
or maybe she's just growing? like some spiritual detox where all the dark areas of herself gets sucked up to the surface in order to be released? a bit like colonics minus the literal shit. what is it?
it's like the time of her life where she's feeling... this journey is not fun. its too sad, too frightening, too heavy, too lonely, too hopeless.
when the gods gave the map for this journey, part of that journey is to go through the dark night of the soul.
is this her dark night of the soul, the winter of her discontent ? Should it be like what Mother Teresa in one of her famous quotes said: "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."?
that you just keep bleeding (and yes, remember that song). God, that sure sounds so EMO. *beats herself for talking like this. this is not her. everyone who knows her.. would be shocked* nothing short of romantic. its EMO and its unhealthy if she drones on and on about being EMO.
she's about fairy tales and happy endings. not crossroads and lonely highways. she's about the light and not the shadow. she's the angel and not the devil's advocate.
but then, maybe she's more of like Alanis' song..
"im a bitch, im a lover, im a child, im a mother, im a sinner, im a saint, i do not feel ashamed. im your hell, im your dream, im nothing in between."
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folks, bear with me. my posts are dark and dreary. not light and heavenly.
im acknowledging my ego... and letting it go,
its like im being crucified or dead and buried
its like being lost in a labyrinth.
a little bit like descending into hell.
and doing battle with dragons...
that's poetry....
in modern times... they stripped it off poetry and called it
STRESS
BURN OUT
DEPRESSION.
but... i'd just remember what the Christ said:
"this too shall pass"
and
when it's done...
i'd be happy to say:
"the past is over. it can touch me not."
folks, bear with me. my posts are dark and dreary. not light and heavenly.
im acknowledging my ego... and letting it go,
its like im being crucified or dead and buried
its like being lost in a labyrinth.
a little bit like descending into hell.
and doing battle with dragons...
that's poetry....
in modern times... they stripped it off poetry and called it
STRESS
BURN OUT
DEPRESSION.
but... i'd just remember what the Christ said:
"this too shall pass"
and
when it's done...
i'd be happy to say:
"the past is over. it can touch me not."
